Tag Archive | life

LIFE AT IT’S SURPRISING BEST

Life has always thrown it’s share of surprises at me, some pleasant and some not so. It did not follow my plans but instead decided everything for me.  My dreams were taken away from me only to be replaced by new ones. Responsibilities were thrust upon me that I didn’t think I would be able to handle, but then also found the will and hence the strength and the ability to carry them out. But there were times when I doubted, lost faith, in myself and in what I was doing, especially when the going got really tough or when I thought I was not being appreciated for my efforts, or when I wondered what goals had life set for me. Times like these would be highly depressing, but at such times some serious soul searching would help. One of the things I like to do then is to go out on the balcony of my room late at night when everyone’s asleep and look at the stars in the sky. They always give me a great sense of perspective, a sense that I’m not the centre of the universe. I’m just a little speck in the larger scheme of things and that helps to draw a sense of calm and peace that God has planned everything for me, no matter how small a part of His scheme I may be. Also that everything will happen when the time is right, and no amount of worrying or fretting is going to help.

Over the years, Life has also led me to believe that when it thrusts a particular task at you it is because it thinks you to be capable of handling it. So I like to put my faith in it’s faith in me and just go for it, even if it means going out of my comfort zone. In fact, Life has a habit of throwing me and I would assume, people in general, out of their comfort zone. It is it’s way of showing my strengths and capabilities to me and shake me out of my complacency. So now I try not to say no to any unexpected surprise or challenge that it throws at me, just because I am afraid I won’t be able to handle it, but instead try to find out if I can tackle it head on.

I had a very normal and largely uneventful childhood, in the protective care of my parents. Went to a boarding school for my education. Wanted to be a doctor, but life had it’s own plan for me, and got me married to a doctor instead and I settled down to being a home-maker in a large joint family. Again it was a comfortable and sheltered life. The ups or downs came in the form of health problems (some major ones) for the family members and most of the time the responsibility of taking care of them fell on me. It taught me a lot of things, being a good nurse among others.

The last couple of years I had quite some free time on my hands, what with my daughter now old enough to take care of herself and her academics and almost ready to fly out of the nest. She would often try to persuade me to take up a job and as I liked teaching she often suggested that I should really get going as did my husband. I gave it some thought but was unable to take that first step. As usual, self doubts would raise their heads( I am too old to start something new or I won’t be able to deal with today’s kids and many more).

Then a month back I got a call from my daughter’s old school. They needed teachers and found out from old students’ records that I was qualified for the job. They asked me if I would be interested in joining the school. Realizing that this opportunity was a ‘Godsend’ and once again putting my faith in Life’s faith in me I said ‘yes’.

So now I’m once again out of my comfort zone. I’m back to school, as teacher, and enjoying the everyday challenge of teaching, of interacting with young minds and hopeful of being a successful part in molding their futures. I know the going will be tough but I want to test my fears and see myself come out triumphant so I can throw a surprise right back in the face of my Life.

A LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER

My sweet Baby,

I know you don’t like me to call you a baby anymore but you are and always will be my baby no matter how old you get. I’m writing this letter because there are so many things I want you to know but am unable to tell you when we are together. Things that are lost in our trivial chatter. We talk about so many things and yet I fail to say the most important thing there is and that’s ‘I LOVE YOU’. Yes, I’ve said it many times to you, when you were happy or sad or when putting you to bed or just like that.. but I want you to know that I love you even when I don’t say it and everything between you and me, the hugs and kisses, the anger, the over-protectiveness, everything stems from this single emotion.

The moment I held you in my arms, was the most beautiful moment of my life. A tiny life, a part of my flesh and blood and a piece of my soul had been placed in my hands to cherish and care for, to keep safe from all the hurts, pains and trials of life. And that scared me, really scared me to the core of my being.

So if I have seemed to you to be over- cautious, over-protective, intrusive or even domineering, its because I don’t want you to get hurt ever-physically or emotionally. Emotionally more because I know how sensitive a person you are. You trust people easily and open your heart fully to them and leave yourself vulnerable to hurt, when expectations are not met with. I know this is part of growing up, part of life and learning and will make you wiser but it horrifies me to see you in pain and makes me want to shield you from it.

Coming back to us, we share beautiful moments together and yet there are times when there is a certain drift between us. That could be because you are growing up and want to assert your individuality, you don’t like to be dictated or told what’s ‘good for you’ and so an invisible wall is created between us, that I would like to tear down. I would like you to trust me completely with your feelings, dilemmas and hope that you are able to share your innermost thoughts with me.

I have not been the best of parent at all times and have made my fair share of mistakes. At times I may have seemed aloof to you or occupied with my own world or maybe even selfish, but believe me it was never intentional or meant to hurt you in any way. It’s just that as a person I have my own wishes, dreams and insecurities. Insecurities as in, I feel time flying away, slipping between my fingers. There are many things I’m already too old to do but there are many things I would like to do before I get older. I would like to live my life as fully as possible and in a way that would make you proud to be my daughter.

And this is what I want for you and from you—to LIVE your life.

Be HAPPY and remember it’s not a crime to think of your happiness, only it should not be at the expense of anyone else’s happiness. Feel the grace of God within you and you’ll find happiness everywhere and in every little thing around you.

Do away with anger. People are not going to be what you want them to be. So change your attitude towards them. Don’t let anyone control your emotions, coz if you decide not to be angry no one can make you and in calmness you’ll find peace and clarity of thought.

DREAM-dream big. Follow your dreams and never give up on them. And always believe that god has the best plan for you. If something doesn’t seem right NOW then maybe God has other better plan for you.

And that brings me to Faith. Have faith in the supreme power. But also have faith in yourself. You are one unique person, an individual with your own personality. Believe in yourself and make it your strength. Face your fears and you will come out a stronger person.

Now that you are on the threshold of adulthood, like a young bird spreading its wings for the flight beyond its nest, I wish you the sun, the moon and the stars. Reach out for them and the world will be yours.

And lastly I want you to know that you make me proud. You have enriched my life in ways beyond explanation.

Love you always.

Ma